Monty Python and the Battle of the Hornburg

Presenting Monty Python and the Battle of the Hornburg

Listen -- strange lords livin' in fiery mountains distributing rings is no basis for a system of government....


GANDALF:
...The defenses have to hold.

ARAGORN:
They will hold.

GANDALF:
Look to my coming at first light of the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east. Five shall be the number of days thou shalt wait, no more, no less. Five shall be the number thou shalt wait, and the number of the waiting shall be five. Six shalt thou not wait, nor either four, excepting that thou then proceed to five. Seven is right out. Once the fifth day...


RIDER OF ROHAN:
Halt! Hallo! Hallo!

URUK-HAI LEADER:
This is the army of Saruman. Whose castle is this?

RIDER OF ROHAN:
This is the fortress of Helm's Deep.

URUK-HAI LEADER:
Go tell your master that we have been charged by the White Wizard to find a ring. If you will kindly line up outside and be slaughtered --

RIDER OF ROHAN:
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen on it.

URUK-HAI LEADER:
Why not?

RIDER OF ROHAN:
You see, 'e's already got one.

URUK-HAI LEADER:
Well, um, can we come up and take a look?

RIDER OF ROHAN:
I don't want to talk to you any more, you goblin-brained bottom-feeder! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a cave troll and your father smelt of balrog droppings!

ORC SOLDIER (softly):
He's right, you know...

URUK-HAI LEADER:
If you will not come out willingly, we shall take your keep by force!

RIDER OF ROHAN:
You don't frighten us, orc pig-dogs! Go and boil your gefiltefish, spawn of the darkness! I blow my nose at you!


NARRATOR:
In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Grathruk, of the 5th Berzerkers of the Hand of Saruman. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Grathruk, will you stand up please?

GRATHRUK (standing and waving):
[an arrow hits Grathruk]
Acckkk....

NARRATOR:
This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

LEGOLAS (off-screen):
Eighteen.

GIMLI (off-screen):
That one was cheatin'!


[An ORC is painting graffiti on the Deeping Wall, oblivious to LEGOLAS approaching him from behind. The slogan is: Rohirrim i lantar]

LEGOLAS:
What's this thing? "Rohirrim i lantar?"

ORC:
Um.. it says "Rohan will fall."

LEGOLAS:
No it doesn't. What's Rohirrim?

ORC:
Um...

LEGOLAS:
Come on, come on!

ORC (uncertain):
Rohan?

LEGOLAS (brushing over the graffiti):
The people or the nation? ROHAN. Now, what is the verb?

ORC:
Um... will fall?

LEGOLAS:
Nominative or distinct accusative?

ORC:
Nominative?

LEGOLAS:
Definite article with the noun?

ORC:
No...?

LEGOLAS:
Correct [strikes out "i"] Now, what is lantane?

ORC:
Fall?

LEGOLAS:
Future tense?

ORC:
Lantuvar?

LEGOLAS:
And the future tense of an A-stem verb?

ORC:
Lantuva?

LEGOLAS (satisfied)
[strikes out "lantane" and writes "lantuva"]
Rohan-lantuva. Understand?

ORC:
Yes, good elf.

LEGOLAS:
Now write it down a hundred times.

ORC:
Yes, sir, thank you sir, for Eorlingas...

LEGOLAS (saluting):
For Theoden-King!


ORC:
I'm not dead!

GIMLI:
He says he's not dead!

LEGOLAS:
Yes he is.

ORC:
I'm not!

GIMLI:
He isn't, laddie.

LEGOLAS:
Well, he will be soon.

ORC:
I'm not dead! Not dead!

LEGOLAS:
Look, dwarf, I know a dead orc when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

GIMLI:
No no no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable creatures, them uruk-hai, aren't they? Thick armor.

LEGOLAS:
The armor doesn't enter into it! It's stone dead!

GIMLI (kicking the ORC):
There, ya see, 'e moved.

LEGOLAS:
That's because you kicked him.

GIMLI:
I did no such thing!

LEGOLAS:
This orc is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! 'is metabolic processes are now 'istory! THIS IS AN EX-ORC!!


ORC LEADER:
...I don't know - Saruman just told me to come here and kill everything that lives, that's all - I didn't expect any extra Riders of Rohan.

(JARRING CHORD)

EOMER:
Nobody expects the Riders of Rohan! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and horses... horses and surprise... Um.
Our TWO weapons are surprise and horses... and awesome fighting skills... Um.
Our THREE weapons are surprise, horses, and awesome fighting skills... and a fanatical hatred of the armies of the Dark Lord!... Um... uh...
Our FOUR... no... um... AMONGST our weaponry are such elements as surprise, horses...
Can I try that again?

PETER JACKSON:
[sighs]